No More Heroes

It's been nine months since I enlisted in the Georgia Army National Guard - more than three months since I graduated infantry training. I knew when I first began talking to my recruiter that I really didn't want to join - all of my morals, my values, my instincts were against it. Why did I do it? Why did I ignore my better judgment? I honestly don't know; I can say it was a felt sense of helplessness, not being able to find steady work, no way to return to school to finish my degree, and pressure from family. But to be honest, those are just excuses. As easily as I signed my life away, I could have backed out at any time.

I guess I just wanted to feel appreciated - by family, by society, etc. I wanted to do something to feel productive. I wanted to be proud of an accomplishment, a feeling I had not felt in quite a while at the time. But, upon graduation, pride was not the predominant emotion present. I mean, sure, I felt that I had completed something pretty hard, and in a way I was happy I didn't quit. I got tons of support from family and friends and society in general. But what I really felt was shame and betrayal. I was ashamed that I went against everything I believe in, that I had betrayed everything inside telling me this is not the way to go in life. I knew that I would be ordered to do things I just couldn't see myself doing. I knew that being in the infantry meant I would deploy into a combat zone and be expected to fire my weapon on the "enemy." And I knew that upon getting deployment orders, I would most likely bail; I knew I could never go through with it. And yet, I still allowed myself to be fully soldiered.

I have a very guilty conscience - past misdeeds from years ago still haunt me. I know it will be much worse if/when I come home from a deployment. I know everything in me will be reeling with the shock of combat, the sounds of hatred and anger and guns and screams. I know I won't be able to look myself in the mirror - I can barely do it now.

So where does this leave me? How do I gather the courage to correct this massive mistake? Where do I find the support I will undoubtedly need to resist war and oppression as a Guard soldier? And how do I protect myself and my family from the inevitable backlash should I decide to resist?

This blog is an attempt to explore those questions and find the answers, however difficult and painful the process may be. I will muse about the ills of war and the military machine; society and how it's built to perpetuate consistent war and oppression; the basic assumptions of industrialized civilization that make war inevitable; and ways to resist this insane culture and hopefully keep at least a tiny piece of my sanity and self-worth.

The journey won't be easy. There are always consequences for resistance and I am willing to endure them should they come. In my opinion, the most dangerous freedom is better than the safest slavery. I owe my self as well as the entire community of living beings on the planet my part in resisting this culture's spiral into oblivion.

I hope you will periodically stop by and partake in this journey with me. Offer your advice, your support, or even your condemnation - I welcome it all. Your feedback will be read, carefully considered and appreciated. Thank you.